True or False [Hope]?

I wrote this on some notepaper almost a week ago, but didn't have time to blog it until now.

I love my husband.

I love our children.

I love the home and life we've made together, that God has blessed us with.

Moments of panic or despair seize me when I see or feel that I've done nothing else with my life, or with my gifts and talents, or with my passions, because of defeat through my own flaws, or defeat through exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed by my responsibilities and then a lack of sufficient time.

What good are my gifts and talents and passions then?

Most mammals can procreate, feed their young, the population has homes to keep. What gifts/talents/passions are needed for that?

Why am I the way I am, if I was not intended to use what I've been given? Better to have been born ordinary than to suffer my gifts to an ordinary (though nice and noble) life.

So I try to carve out a niche, I keep hoping, I try to protect the flame.

The other option, that I can see, is to snuff the flame and see if I can survive as a “Stepford”. I actually tried that for a couple weeks, but God did not bless it.

So the struggle continues and my hope is in God's grace being sufficient for my weakness and for my passion.

My hope is in His goodness. In His plan. And when I am weak, I rage, and the enemy prowls around like a lion, watching for his opportunity to bring me down.

He who hopes, lives; he who's hope is lost, is lost.

As the Church we have a hope. But even then, it is not church, but our relationship with Jesus, our knowing of, and knowing we are known by God, that gives true hope.

False hopes abound and are dashed every day, hearts and lives are lost.

I can only point in the direction of true hope as I find it myself, live it myself.

It is a huge battle to enter into the place where true hope lives, because of the one who knows his defeat is imminent, his power weakened, his authority taken away, when the children of God awaken to who they are in Him.

The nucleus of holiness that contains true hope will burn off us anything of no eternal value. The closer I get, the more I burn, the more I see how much I carry has no eternal value. His love for me is the only thing that keeps me moving forward. Period.

Later this past week I was desperate to hear what God would say, I even woke up at 3am and then got up at 3:30am to spend some alone time with Him, but even at that hour, my toddler decided to have loud conversation, so I went back to bed. Later that morning, as I stumbled toward the coffee-maker for that life giving elixer, He spoke: “Psalm 23:3”. Not being sure of what it said, I looked it up. In 30 seconds He is able to do so much with one. Little. Word.

“He restores my soul.

He guides me in paths of righteousness,

For His name's sake.”

He cares about me. He restores my soul. He guides me. And He does it for me for the sake of His Name.

That pretty much clinches it.

I'm good for another, well... oh week, at least. :-)

No, in all seriousness, these things go deep and do their work. I was also blessed that same day from a meeting with one of my pastors. God is good. Period.

Love,

M

A War

Well, bit of a hiatus from writing and since this is an honest blog I will tell you what happened without telling you what happened. Someday I'll tell you both, but right now you will have to choose to either believe my chosen description or not. I feel like writing now, so I am.

Basically I've been in an active spiritual warzone since about mid May. I think, perchance, I stepped on the toes of some evil spirit and it went to town on me. It did so by mercilessly attacking my sleep through multiple means, not just one, but multiple means. It strove to consume every avenue of rest I had at my disposal. The lack of rest and sleep made me weak and provided it with some open doors to delve into my life further. I didn't know what hit me until I was neck deep in it, gasping for air. But Jesus was with me.

I would give you details if I knew you wouldn't be tempted to judge and label me, and who am I to place such vile temptation in your path, so, for now, no details. What I will share, is that while in the battle I felt my future, with my hopes and dreams, disappear. I was afraid at times, but God let me know He was with me and that gave me peace. He told me I was in His hand. I was able to trust Him with my heart, because we have been through a lot together already, and He had proved Himself faithful before.

I shared details with very few: my husband, my mother, my sister, my pastor and 3 others who I felt needed to know. They kept me in prayer. I believe their Holy-Spirit-directed prayers kept my head above water. I walked in, through, and out. And then “it” came upon me again. This time, however, I went straight to the Throne Room in Heaven and put my face at His feet and cried about what I should do. First He ministered His love to me. He spoke to me in songs. Next He opened my eyes. He showed me that I had misplaced my gaze in certain areas and that gave “it” opportunity. He said, “Put all your gaze back onto Me”. So I did.

He showed me some chinks in my armor, loopholes in my spiritual armor, that I didn't realize I helped to create. When there are holes in your armor, whatever the issue is, the power of your prayers in regards to that issue is then limited. Repentance repairs chinks in armor and restores your spiritual authority in Christ in that area. When there are unrepented issues, those areas, your flesh, becomes visible to the enemy, those areas are not hidden in Christ, they are holes in your armor and your enemy is an expert fighter well versed in combat. Basically you're screwed unless you know where to go and know your place. Pride is an Achille's heel the enemy will nurture in you, because he knows willful pride seperates us from God. Get on your face. This is one reason it helps to have others praying for you, because they may have authority where you do not. The chinks in their armor are different from the ones in yours. This is why we need each other. The church is to function as a cohesive body... “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective”. James 5:16 NIV So I repented of the things He showed me.

Repentance repaired my armor and placed God's delegated authority back in my hand. I began to pray in my spiritual language. I began to feel strength returning to my spirit and I stood up, ready, and able, to fight. Fight and win. “It” left and took it's minions with it. Strength and healing returned to my body and soul. What lasted 2 months was finished in under 2 hours.

I will now make a few clarifications, so that folks don't jump to conclusions and/or make jackasses out of themselves:

One: Just because someone is going through a hard time does not mean they sinned and brought it upon themselves. We live on planet earth and stuff happens to us. Sometimes God allows us to walk through hardship so that we learn to access His peace, comfort and strength despite it, this grows us up into strong spiritual warriors. When things are going well we often forget what is important and that can be lethal, our spiritual muscles can atrophy.

Two: Sometimes God allows the enemy to think he has won in an area of our lives, because when the enemy gets overconfident in his dealings with us, God comes in and put's him in his place again and let's us participate (that part is fun). That is also training ground for spiritual warfare.

Three: The reality is we have been born into a spiritual battle between God's Kingdom and satan's. If you live on earth, you are in it, whether you like it, believe it, or not. All humans were created in God's likeness and all have potential to ruin satan's spiritual kingdom. He hates all of us, Christians in particular, because we have been given the keys of authority through the atoning work of Jesus Christ in our lives. Unfortunately many who call themselves Christians don't yet understand how the keys work, the less of a threat you are to satan's kingdom, the less he pays attention to you, however that is because he knows in the end you'll die anyway, and he's fine with that.

Calling yourself a Christian is no guarantee of heaven, knowing Jesus and proving your belief is. This by accepting His ultimate sacrifice to redeem you, by giving Him your life, the rights to your life, Lordship over you. He's the only one who deserves it and He went first (giving His life away), because of love. Jesus asks, the devil takes; Love vs. hate. How much light and dark is in us and where we are in the process of sanctification is proved by the ripening fruit of our thoughts, words, and actions. Fact of spiritual life. And everything is connected to spiritual life.

I think that's enough for today.

Shaken (song & lyrics by Paul Baloche)

Only a spotless lamb

For a sinner's soul

You gave me a heart of flesh

For a heart of stone


You brought me down to my knees

When I was full of pride

And took away all the places
I could hide


Those You love You will chasten


Everything that can be will be shaken

Everything that can be will be shaken

And only You remain

Only You remain

Wherever my treasure is

There my heart will be

I'm fixing my eyes on things

In the heavenlies

When everything is said and done

And swept away

I wanna be by Your side


In eternity

Those You love You will chasten

No suffering for the moment

Is pleasant but it brings forth

The peaceful fruit of righteousness

Jesus my righteousness

Only You remain

Only You remain

Veneer

I was about to go start a painting, but something I came across while eating lunch inspired me to write instead.

In true, honest fashion, I must say that shiny-happy-people-wannabees make me feel a whole lot of complex emotions, if you get my drift. FAKE! Is what immediately crosses my mind. I think this is why many stay away from church. Too many Stepford people, or walking dead, are filling the pews. Not all, of course, many are wonderful and authentic people, but enough to still keep many suspicious or discerning folks at a distance.

It is NOT ok to pretend you are happy when you are not, or happier than you really are. It IS OK not to feel happy when unhappy stuff is going on. It is NOT ok to force intellectual doctrine on the emotions of the heart. You will split yourself into multiples and then judge others for not doing the same. It IS OK to say, “stuff is going on that makes me feel like crap, but I know God has my heart and will minister to me.”

And when He does, because He will, give Him the glory. Then an authentic song of praise will spill from your heart.

Contrast that with, “(Look how awesome I am): I just worshiped my way to a breakthrough and prayed all night, (I rock! And oh yeah, praise Jesus!). Why can't you do that? (must be something wrong with you, try harder you weak Christian!)”. Who's getting the glory now?

Telling someone they “shouldn't be sad or down because they are saved by Jesus” and “if you just pray more or praise more or had more will-power you'd be fine”, is like a kick in the gut after you're already down from a kick in the head. It's like lemon juice on a cut. For those willing to be honest about it.

For those who are still afraid of their emotions and think that if they feel too sad or down then they must not be “saved”, and so you apply a veneer and tell yourself the veneer is real and the emotions are not, please stop. It's disgusting. And, it's unscriptural. God wants your heart, imperfect as it is, not your fake veneer.

And the real people of the world want to know a real God, not your veneer-accepting version.

Jesus was a man of sorrows.

King David was prone to seasons of depression.

But they knew how to bring that to the Father. They didn't do it with shiny-happy songs. They did it by being honest with the most understanding Being ever.

I cannot imagine singing praise when my heart is in pain. I would have to seriously shut that heart down to do it. Do you know what that sounds like? A religeous spirit. It will kill the very essence of you: your heart. The part God really wants.

A heart that's been killed is never really dead though, it lives in dark places where we keep it hidden and tranquilized with whatever it takes to keep it there. Tranquilized with too much alcohol, too much television, drugs, too many movies, too many romance novels, pornography, violence, gambling, overworking, adultrey, too much internet, too much shopping... All these issues exist both in and out of the church among those who are afraid to really bring their hearts to Jesus.

Bring your true heart to God. Your life depends on it. Say no to veneer. He will not leave you standing with your heart in your hands, He will embrace you and show you the path of His love. I know, because I've been there.

Ecclesiastes 7:3

Frustration is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart.

Ecclesiastes 3:4

a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,

Proverbs 25:20

Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on a wound, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart.

Psalm 61:1-3

Hear my cry, O God;
    listen to my prayer.

From the ends of the earth I call to you,
    I call as my heart grows faint;
    lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

For you have been my refuge,
    a strong tower against the foe.

I think you'll find, when you pull off that veneer, there's something really beautiful hidden underneath, and God is waiting to begin the restoration.

The Extravagant Gift

Recently (well, 2 weeks ago now) the Lord pointed out that I have a problem with receiving extravagant gifts.

He used an example in the natural (a gift my husband gave me), to illustrate a parallel in how I have been treating my spiritual gifts, one in particular. I repented, so that He could heal me. I repented of shame and the "fear of man" (people). I didn't think I had those 2 issues, but He showed me, in the context of my increasing discomfort and inability to truly receive a beautiful gift that my husband gave me over a year ago.

I originally received the gift with great joy, but as I began to use it, all these other feelings would come. I kept the gift hidden from most people. I even began to express my doubt, to the giver, about whether I should have the gift.

God exposed the root of the problem: I was afraid of how others would feel if they saw what I had, I was afraid of being judged. I was more afraid of what others would think, than what I was doing to my husband's heart. My husband delighted to bless me with an extravagant gift, because his love for me is abundant and extravagant.

Just like God's love.

God said to me, “You are afraid of being judged for it by man, more than you are afraid of how I'll feel in your waning enthusiasm.” (If you love your husband, and his heart, enjoy the gift he gave) He was paralleling that with the spiritual gift He (God) has given me.

My response was: Because it is a thing, a rich, extravagant thing, and there are poor everywhere.

He said, “Yes Magda. There are poor everywhere. Will you keep Me hidden, then, as well?”

The penny drops.

God said (and my husband would agree), “I have given it to you with great joy, I want you to use it without shame.  Shame has been robbing you of the blessing the gift was intended to be.”

How often does satan use shame to rob us of blessing and joy?

At every opportunity.

Like today, when I wanted to cut holes in a paper bag and put it over my head.

How freaking lame is that?

Well. I guess that's it then. I've been sitting on this post for a couple weeks, until I wrote my 'Shock Of Age(s)?' post. See? There is a God who answers even pathetic “X”yr olds with too many mirrors.

The bright, white, Light revealeth all.

Carry on... and don't forget, God gave each of us shiny stuff.  Don't get robbed.

(Don't believe me?  The day I determined to act on this revelation and use the gift without shame, something fell on it and dented it.  A freak accident?  No way man.  That was a vindictive act in direct response to my decision.  An effort to, once again, steal my joy.  I see it as a battle scar.  They happen, and I'm still alive to tell about it.)

Shock Of Age(s)?

I confess.

Right now I am in a funk.

I don't, at this particular moment, care about inner beauty etc., because I noticed some stuff in the mirror.

Plus it's raining again.

Plus there was stuff in the little mirror and the long mirror and the wide mirror.

So I'm quite bummed out, actually.

If anyone says a peep about inner beauty, I may become violent. If you are tempted to preach I suggest you run.

Right now I am being tempted by things I normally think are a bad idea and cost lot's of money (which I don't have). Just as well, they make people look fake and rubbery anyway, some improvement (they paid for that? Egad.)!

Right now I am not being thankful, nope. I want to spit and cuss. Well, fine, at least I'm not a liar.

That's it.

That's right, nothing redeeming, nada. When God shines His bright, white, light in here I'll let you know.

Anyone seen the brown bag and scizzors?

BLAH.

WHAT IF HELL IS REAL?

I just finished reading an article in Maclean's May 13, 2013 issue titled 'What if Heaven is Real?'. It brings forward interesting information and reports on books written by folks who've had near death experiences (NDE's) or have been dead and revived. They write that Heaven, or the idea of a heaven-like afterlife, is hot and that hell is colder than ever (in popular opinion polls). They state in the article that even modern Christians are struggling to reconcile a loving God with the idea that He would condemn sinners to hell. And my mind took off.

I see a problem, or a fault, with the popular understanding of what hell is, not only in this article, but in our society's beliefs on it, which this article reflects. If hell is not real, then what about evil spirits? We know they exist, so if there is a loving God and good spirits (angels) is it not logical, then, that these two groups live in separate areas? All the accounts of NDE's have reported love and comfort where they went (heaven). They did not report feeling or seeing any evil spirits. So where do the evil spirits come from? Very few people, especially journalists of popular news, want to delve into that one. If they really wanted to do some investigative reporting, they'd find a motherload of evidence pointing to the existence of a place that is devoid of love. God is love. There is a place where God isn't.

So how come those who don't necessarily profess or support Christianity in their NDE's, went to heaven? My answer to that is, their life is not over yet. The lack of judgement they speak of in their NDE experience of Heaven is in line with what the Bible teaches. Judgement will be at the very end, when all the dead are raised, standing beside the ones who will still be living. My understanding of judgement is not that it condemns people to hell, as many of us would do to each other, but that God will look at the heart and judge that a person should not be condemned to the place that is devoid of His presence, aka hell.

If we believe God is who He says He is, then He is perfectly capable of providing a way for His creation to understand things of an afterlife or death magnitude. Not only that, but He should also be able to communicate important knowledge on the importance and impact of this present life, even if He does it through imperfect vessels. Some, including myself, believe the Holy Bible to be that communication. It is one of the most supported works of literature in human history, the thousands of supporting, ancient manuscripts that have been found and authenticated by science elevates the Book to historical fact status. It is not scientific fact, because only that which can be repeated in a lab can hold that label. The historical fact label is achieved by well documented eye-witness accounts (like the Mayflower brought pilgrims to America). Which the Bible has.

So this is the thing. If hell is a place where God isn't and He gave us the knowledge on the topic of Himself, if we choose not to enter into the place where He is, via the door He provided, then by default we remain where we were. The Bible tells us that in this age, hell is not allowed to take over, that the Holy Spirit keeps it back, to give us the opportunity to decide freely. We live on a planet that currently manifests the characteristics of both heaven and hell, through the choices we make each day. We see this and the Bible also speaks to that. Humans influence, and are influenced by, the spirit world. We see it and the Bible speaks to that. So what is causing all the confusion? What is causing all the doubt?

Suppose that doubt and confusion were functions of evil spirits who are the enemies of God and His angels and, because we are all created in God's image, enemies of us as well.

Why is Christianity the most controversial faith on the planet?

Why is Christianity the only religion who's God died for the love of mankind?

The NDE's all agree in their experience of love after they died.

“There is no greater love than this: that a person would lay down his life for the sake of his friends.” John 15:13 Aramaic Bible in Plain English

Would not the One who is Love, demonstrate the greatest love?

If there is no hell, why does the Bible tell us of the Son of God, Yeshua, Emmanuel (God with us) coming down to teach us and to die in order to provide a way for us to escape it?

The article surmised that personal healing was evident in many of the NDE's.

The Bible tells us that salvation (sozo), and as demonstrated by the accounts of the life of Jesus Christ, is for the healing of our spirit, soul AND body. The healing of the whole person.

If God is love, where does hate come from? If there is a heaven, why do people struggle to believe in a hell?

Because we want what we want, the way we want it. We are selfish from birth. We create God in our own image, to our personal likes and dislikes. We are being influenced.

The good news: If we are really and genuinly interested in truth, despite what it might do to our personal beliefs, we will find it. If all we want is to feel better and find support for our own theories, we will find that too, unfortunately the end results (and some current results) will be different and only time will tell.

Love has a source, so does evil. To believe in a heaven and not a hell, is wishful thinking, in my opinion.

My prayer is that people will see God's heart for us and His provision for our healing and reconciliation to Him. I pray that I would grow to be a more accurate representation of His heart toward others, that I would live my life in a way that brings honour to God and draws people to Him, rather than repelling them. God forgive me and God forgive the Church where we have so sorely failed in that. God help us all.